Applied for a job as an office assistant
Lord let this be my big break
So I thought it was time to spruce up
My resume
What have I done?
Nothing worth putting down
So I'll sweeten in a bit of spice
Resume lies

Oh my time in college was uneventful
Had a "nothing special" GPA
Before I rounded it up twelve points
And put it on display
Claimed I founded the chess club
And said my last name was Lopez
In case they're eager to diversify
Resume lies

Resume lies are what get me in the door
They keep me on the ball
And they keep me off the floor
They're my perfect disguise
Resume lies

Oh I worked the phones at a nonprofit business
Showed up drunk so they let me go
But to look at this sheet of paper
You'd never know
Instead, I worked at Apple
And the iPad was my idea
I volunteer at foster homes Thursday nights
Resume lies

Resume lies make me anything I hope
I can be top of my class
I can also be the Pope
Competition's cut in size
With resume lies

(Resume lies)
I can type real well
(Resume lies)
Proficient in Excel
(Resume lies)
I speak fluent Chinese
(Resume lies)
So many masters' degrees

Thought I should get my dating life together
So I signed up for match dot com
But the only girl I've ever hugged
Has been my mom
So I wrote that I'm a stately gentleman
Who doesn't still live at home
And who has seen boobs in real life
Resume lies

Resume lies help me get the call
If it weren't for made up skills
I would have no skills at all
I could win the Nobel Prize
With resume lies

(Resume lies)
I turned Harvard down
(Resume lies)
I won the Triple Crown
(Resume lies)
I'm the prince of Spain
(Resume lies)
I caught Saddam Hussein
(Resume lies)
I run the NBA
(Resume lies)
I married Beyonce
(Resume lies)
I made the South secede
(Resume lies)
I know how to read