There's a kind of swagger in my walk Because this morning began to rock Developments have just come to light That suggest there must be something I'm doing right As I've always suspected But no one else seemed to see On Facebook first thing this morn A newfound status of mine was born You'll prob'ly be jealous But I still have to boast Because someone cool liked my post It's someone hipper than me Who's also hot This probably sounds insecure But nope, it's not I bet everybody thinks we hang out And it's totally raising my Facebook clout A comment would've made my head explode But still, someone cool liked my post I don't care if my lame friends like it I don't care if my Aunt Linda likes it I don't care if I sound like a tool But there's no approval quite like The approval of someone cool It was a Seinfeld quote I posted, he read I didn't write it but I feel I can still take credit His cool friends will see he liked it and then I'll be invited to parties all over Brooklyn And at every one Someone will make a toast 'Bout how someone cool liked my post Then again, he was Facebook friends with me So in the end how cool Can he really be? But relatively speaking Someone cool liked my post Yeah, someone cool liked my post I'll take the validation

Found this bottle In a thrift store Thought it'd look nice on my mantel someday When I cleaned it Out popped out a genie who said He'd grant me three wishes Then I remembered from Aladdin And thought I would do the right thing Now I feel just like a dumbass And wish I had taken time to think I freed the genie on the first wish Thought I'd do a good deed For a genie in need Now he's wrecking up everything I own Making prank calls on my phone I freed the genie and I wish he would just leave me alone He ain't grateful He's dedicates all his time To mess with my life Using magic To make my kitchen a mess And look up lady's dresses He's making fun of my clothes Watching me shower like a creep Making a pass at my girlfriend Drawing dicks on me as I sleep I freed the genie on the first wish Thought his slavery was cruel Now I just feel like a tool He doesn't close his mouth when he chews He's got surprisingly racist views I freed the genie and I wish I had one more wish to use And it's a whole new world of misery for me I thought he'd be my new best friend Delighting me with his impressions But he just hangs out on my futon Eating Chef Boyardee from the can When I told him He had to go get a job He said you're not my master Then I threatened If any more time here he spent He'll have to pay rent So he marched on out the door And started wrecking havoc in the streets Setting schools and hospitals on fire And telling all the townsfolk to blame me Cuz I freed the genie on my first wish All those years in his sitch Sure made him a bitch And now that I've paid the price I guess my lesson is to always think twice Before doing anything nice

Applied for a job as an office assistant Lord let this be my big break So I thought it was time to spruce up My resume What have I done? Nothing worth putting down So I'll sweeten in a bit of spice Resume lies Oh my time in college was uneventful Had a "nothing special" GPA Before I rounded it up twelve points And put it on display Claimed I founded the chess club And said my last name was Lopez In case they're eager to diversify Resume lies Resume lies are what get me in the door They keep me on the ball And they keep me off the floor They're my perfect disguise Resume lies Oh I worked the phones at a nonprofit business Showed up drunk so they let me go But to look at this sheet of paper You'd never know Instead, I worked at Apple And the iPad was my idea I volunteer at foster homes Thursday nights Resume lies Resume lies make me anything I hope I can be top of my class I can also be the Pope Competition's cut in size With resume lies (Resume lies) I can type real well (Resume lies) Proficient in Excel (Resume lies) I speak fluent Chinese (Resume lies) So many masters' degrees Thought I should get my dating life together So I signed up for match dot com But the only girl I've ever hugged Has been my mom So I wrote that I'm a stately gentleman Who doesn't still live at home And who has seen boobs in real life Resume lies Resume lies help me get the call If it weren't for made up skills I would have no skills at all I could win the Nobel Prize With resume lies (Resume lies) I turned Harvard down (Resume lies) I won the Triple Crown (Resume lies) I'm the prince of Spain (Resume lies) I caught Saddam Hussein (Resume lies) I run the NBA (Resume lies) I married Beyonce (Resume lies) I made the South secede (Resume lies) I know how to read

I saw you singing last night On SNL After I hit mute I immediately fell for you Cuz with your long hair and your pout You make me want to twist and shout You've written some of the worst songs In the history of mankind But my infatuation Has led me to be blind to that Cuz you're the apple of my eye In spite of "Born to Die" Lana Del Rey Lana Del Rey I been itching to say How bout we give our love a chance Lana Del Rey Lana Del Rey You don't look like a Lizzy Grant Yeah You're so misunderstood In your Pitchfork review So many mean things written And most of them are true But who care what they said As long as you've still got indie cred Lana Del Rey Lana Del Rey We could make music together If you get what I'm saying Lana Del Rey That's just an expression Please I don't want you to actually sing Yeah They say you're manufactured Just a product and a fake And your lyrics could have been written By a retarded ape But I forgot what I was gonna say To dispute the solid points that they've all made Lana Del Rey Lana Del Rey I swear I don't play no video games Lana Del Rey Let's move out to Brooklyn Our love will be as real as your face Yeah So it seems my dreams of our love Will end up in the trash You found out I'm just after Your millionaire father's cash So I guess I'll have to say goodbye To all that stuff I was gonna buy Just promise me if you procreate Your kids don't end up singers Who I'll probably hate Lana Del Rey Lana Del Rey At least I do not have to hear your songs and pretend that I like them Lana Del Rey Lana Del Rey Wish I could travel back in time to before I heard your music Lana Del Rey Lana Del Rey If you're vintage it's from a time when all music was terrible Lana Del Rey Lana Del Rey But I guess at least you are not Nicki Minaj Yeah

Every morning when I wake up There's nothing in my head But memories of last time I woke up with you in my bed Smelling the pillow that has pieces of your hair Probably looks creepy but nobody else is there Why hold it in when I could let it out So I open the window and I shout I fucking love you I don't care who hears I fucking love you Don't give a fuck that there are children near Can't go about my day Without you all up in my mind Walking into Rite Aid Forgetting what I came to find There's very little chance that I'll just go about my day We banged so fine the night before So I just got to say I fucking love you Girl look what you do to me I fucking love you Don't give a fuck if I'm around the elderly Can't bother censoring myself Any time I think of her Had no idea I was screaming It all in a school zone officer But the jubilation feels so great Fuck anyone who can't relate The feeling sneaks up on me Any time and any place Thinking of the next time I can do stuff to your face The stronger my love for you gets Has me sounding like I got turrets I fucking love you Don't need no other words to search I fucking love you Don't give a fuck if I'm in church I fucking love you From the mountain tops I'll sing I fucking love you No I don't know anyone in this hospital wing

Our hearts are one No ifs or maybes But now you're talking making babies Love is blind And ours is blooming Why do that to a tiny human Cuz I can tell Our looks won't gel Do you want To make a weird looking baby With me He could get your eyes and smile as well But then get my everything else With smile so bright and skin so fair And early sprouting chestal hair If that turns true It's all on you Do you still want To make a weird looking baby With me Oh we Could adopt one from a foreign land Or you could use the seed of another man Whose looks won't clash with yours I'm just trying to keep this parenthood planned Hey who's that child at the park With eyes so light but brows so dark His smile so bright, his skin so fair His early sprouting chestal hair His two parents should be appalled Cuz why the hell is he so bald You say you'll love It no matter what But once you see that weird looking baby You'll agree Won't be easy on the eyes Making regular looking babies cry Don't let me be misunderstood I ain't afraid of fatherhood I just fear the sound Of folks round town Saying that the dad Of that weird looking baby Is me

Courage is so hard to muster Every single day Because intimidating forces Might get in my way But I don't need a friend I don't need no street gang I don't need backup I need the one who don't back down In the face of danger I need a hero Like myself when I'm drunk He's the legend that he strives to be Taking down insecurity He's typically keeps to himself But when whiskey's in his veins He'll take on any larger foes And punch apart a subway train He's got all it takes To overcome life's fears Like arguing with cabbies Or walking through the park at night All he needs is seven beers I need a hero Like myself when I'm drunk After a few tonics and gin Nothing strikes fear into him And I need him more than ever now Cuz I'm going to a party where I don't know anyone downtown Many try to thwart his heroics But it won't ever work Cuz he's a guy who stands his ground Like when a stupid clerk Asked him to lower his voice In a 24-hour Walgreens He just smiled and said Hold on buddy can't you see You're not dealing with weak and sober me I need a hero Like myself when I'm drunk He'll fight a cop and when he's done He can socialize with anyone There ain't no hero Like myself when I'm drunk He's got the heart of 19 lions And will gladly pay the littering fines I need a hero (like myself when I'm) I need a hero (like myself when I'm) There ain't no hero (like myself when I'm) Find me a hero

I asked you to the high school dance Gave you my pin That night my body went through changes Much to my chagrin When we danced oh so close A part of me arose You are my teenage erection Angel of my heart I take you to the sock hop Hear the jukebox play our song By the light of the moon I held your hand But not for long A broken moment of romance By contents of my pants you are my teenage erection Angel of my heart I pray each night and day You'll want to stick around But every time you call me up (I just can't get it down) I'd be the lonely one If you ever left me slack I dream about you every night I'll just leave it at that/ Wish you'd say that you'll be mine But my puberty's poorly timed You are my teenage erection Angel of my heart Last night you said we're through And left me at the drive in sobbing Cuz when we meet My heart's not ever the only Thing that's throbbing But I swear to my soul It's out of my control You are my teenage erection Angel of my heart Oh my little darling You're my teenage erection, my one and only If you say you don't want to go steady well I'd stay home and cry And probably miss the big football match against our rival school You are my teenage Erection

With my baby in my apartment We're getting tender, getting intimate I put on music, helping set the mood But the choice caused an awakening so rude When James Taylor's playing My girl and I found out All sexiness hits a drought Doesn't make no sense When James Taylor's playing Nobody wants to have sex Sure in theory, it seems like a great idea But his adult soft rock had effects I never feared We're getting dirty, he's way too sleek and clean And our loving fire's quickly doused with rain When James Taylor's playing My baby ain't aroused Her smiling face turns upside down How can it be true When James Taylor's playing It makes my balls so blue Oh, sex is go-ing fine Until Carolina's in my mind It's like he knew people would play his music when they bang And we're all just part of JT's grand prank Wish I'd known bout the Handy Man's twisted games But my mojo's sleeping tighter than Sweet Baby James When James Taylor's playing And my girl hears his music She dries up like an acoustic Who'd of thunk When James Taylor's playing It's like a steamroller on my junk When James Taylor's playing How sweet it ain't to be loved When you can't get it up It's a joke I swear When James Taylor's playing It's like boning with your parents there

You made me cry like a little bitch In front of my best girl You probably think you're super clever For messing with my world You always make me think I'm about to watch A delightful family flick Before I know it your rug's out from under me And I'm sobbing like a stupid dick The beginning of Up The end of Toy Story 3 When the guy takes a bite Of his Ratatouille My manhood shall be reclaimed at last Cuz Pixar I'm gonna kick your ass You and me, mano y mano Let's settle this like men If Randy Newman wer here he'd sing That in me, you don't got a friend I can lift almost eighty-five pounds And I'm gonna put you in your place Cuz in all your films you make me lower my guard Then rape the tears right out my face The last shot in Monsters Inc When Nemo's mom dies No one ever believes There's something in my eye My revenge is gonna come sweet and fast Cuz Pixar I'm gonna kick your ass Now that it's just the two of us I think you're pretty sweet I just don't want my girl to think I'm weak She says she likes that I'm sensitive But I know that really means she thinks I'm a pussy So sorry about this bro But I've got to put on a show To redeem my manhood You think you're a bigger man than me Just because you made me cry? But now the time has come to teach you a lesson And my muscles to give you a black eye Oh crap now I'm thinking bout that montage from Up And the tears are welling in my eyes You win again you son of a bitch It's just the worst when what's his name's wife dies WALL-E's space dance with Eve Brings me tears of joy When Buzz Lightyear Realizes he's a toy Even bullshit from Cars Sometimes gets me sobbin' That song in Toy Story 2 With goddamn Sarah MacLaughlin Oh Pixar I'm gonna kick your ass Yeah Pixar I'm gonna kick your ass Yeah Pixar I'm gonna kick your ass

It's no good for my pride But lately my time is spent inside My world don't change But here you come to rearrange it so... I'm putting on my good pants for you Cuz I've got a feeling that you'll be true All week you know I've saved them For just such an occasion Cuz with you I have something to do I'll wear good pants for you I'm a dreamer I know But I just cleaned them three weeks ago Time sure does fly Watching marathons of CSI I'm putting on my good pants for you Cuz there's just too much the other pair's been through The crotch doesn't have holes And it's soothing to my soul Cuz it's true You stop me feeling blue I'll wear those pants for you I wouldn't break them out for the president I wouldn't break them out on my own I wouldn't break them out for Dame Judy Dench Darling you're the reason I even own them I know things might seem gray I ate cheese for every meal today But with you here All optimism rings so clear I'm putting on my good pants for you I should really buy a new pair or two The elastic is starting to give I guess the good's all relative But soon I'll wear those pants for you I'm putting on my good pants for you And I'll keep them on if you want me to Now I've something to wear them for Until they're not good anymore It's true I'll wear good pants for you I'll wear good pants for you

They say that good friends Are very hard to find And people in this day and age Can be oh-so unkind But I've got someone to quench my thirst He's always putting my interest first And I know I'll always be there for me Yes it's me that I'm thinking of Peace and love are all we know And I know that when we get together The distance we can go Cuz I I am the only one I need Until the day I came around I had not found What it takes to succeed Cuz me and I We can do it I know I'm awesome I answer when I call I'm there to give me compliments And catch me when I fall I'm there to laugh at All my jokes I ain't a drag like other folks And I never ask to share my M&Ms Yes it's I in my special clique Sharing many hardy laughs And I know that when I get a Best Friends bracelet I get to keep both halves Cuz I I am the only one I need Start with an I and add some Me That's a most delicious recipe Cuz me and I We can do it In this day and age You can't count on no one People can be so self obsessed But I'm never forgetting my birthday Throwing myself a surprise party And I'm the only guest invited There ain't nothing you can do That you can't do alone If I want to ride a see-saw I just find a big ass stone If I want to high five There's a hand there on my right Playing Hungry Hungry Hippos And I'm winning every time Making love with just yourself If so much less of a pain Cuz there ain't no second party there To bitch and complain Cuz I I am the only one I need Google didn't need no Bing What team has ever won anything Cuz me and I Me and I Me and I